I fight for her and I fight not.  

Posted by Artimus Jones

Some how I will have her. The when, the why, the how, and perhaps even the who; they are not yet determined. Only this is sure, I will have her.

I am a man, created by God, with a heart. My heart has been created and broken many times over. This is a reality not uncommon to most. We have all seen our share of wounds and heartbreak. But there have always been a few truths hidden deep in this heart of mine. These truths whisper deep and can be heard in the quite moments, and even when they are not paid attention, they are still known. That is how I know that somehow I will have her. I know deep that one of my purposes is to share my life. I do not believe my life was made to be hoarded away but to be shared with as many as possible and give to only one other aside from God.

Perhaps that is why I do not yet have someone to share this hearts of mine with and the life it drives. I have yet to give it all fully to God. I have been wrestling hard with this concept lately. My heart was recently wounded again. Satan attempted to steal my joy and my life. He knows my heart does not belong to him, so he will do what is second best to him, he will attempt to kill my heart and my life so that it lose its effectiveness and appeal. But I will not allow this to go on any further. Victory does not belong to the devil. It is here that I realize that God is asking for my heart not so that he can keep it and lock it up, but so he can repair it and give it back. He wants to give it back stronger, healthier, better. He wants me to fight like a true warrior. Fight I will.

I am not dead yet. I still love. I still desire. By loving, and by desiring, I live. In the end, I will have her. She is my beauty. She is my joy and my affection. She is my love for God displayed in physical form. She is my reflection of God's love for me. She is my delight. She captivates me as God captivates me. She will be mine and I will be hers.

I wish I could tell you I have met her already. I like to think I have. Yet God has not confirmed or denied that. It would be easy to fight for her. But it would be wrong to fight for her. Instead I will fight for my heart. It is the most I can give anyone, it would be a failure to fight for her and have nothing to give when the time comes. By fighting for my heart I will have something beautiful and restored to present to her. I will have her.


Conversation with a friend, a bad day, and God.  

Posted by Artimus Jones

Life kinda sucks for me right now. My stress levels are quite high. I am overwhelmed by so much that is going on. I don't really want to do anything but sit and cry. I have even done that once or twice already. This morning even.

This day has already started out as a difficult day. For those who do not yet know, I am once again single. I have been this way for less than a week. This is not a state I enjoy entering, and once I finally become accepting of my state of singleness I usually desire to leave it. Somehow this doesn't seem to be the way things are going to go though. At least not right now. I am tired. What I wouldn't give for some answers. I have been calling on God lately, asking for some answers. He has been answering. Sadly he seems to have to repeat himself alot as I tend to forget rather quickly. However, just today he answered me again through a friend. I must warn you, there is some stronger language than normal, but please note that it is real and honest and raw what I am about to recount to you.

Shaun: today is not going to be a fun day
FRIEND: you either huh?
Shaun: no
FRIEND: our processor is the devil and is down for the 3rd time in a week....why will ur day be bad?
Shaun: my heart is weak and I have very little left in me to resist the lies Satan whispers to me
FRIEND: wow, ur answer was better than mine
Shaun: im not trying to one up you
FRIEND: i know
FRIEND: urs was just worded very lyrically
Shaun: I just want to cry for a while
FRIEND: do you want to meet up for lunch or something?
Shaun: I don't know, it might be nice
FRIEND: :-( **cyber hug**
FRIEND: it would have to be wicked cheap cuz i'm broke...but we should do something
Shaun: why do things turn out this way
FRIEND: do u want my real answer or do you want me to tell you what you told me the last time i felt like this?
Shaun: what is your real answer
FRIEND: i warn u, my answer probably won't help....at all
Shaun: say it anyway, honesty is my preferred wine
FRIEND: life is sh*t...it lulls u into a false sense of security and then rips it out from under you when it gets bored so you're miserable for a while....then u get happy again....and it lasts, and its nice....then it starts all over
Shaun: that is almost true
FRIEND: eventually, the cycle stops and ur happy and content, but for a long time its the least fun rollercoaster ever invented
Shaun: the reality is I know that God is doing something here
FRIEND: some people never get to that point....some people make themselves find it....and some are lucky enough to find that perfect person who makes everything ok even when its not
Shaun: and it will be something amazing and wonderful
FRIEND: yeah, but sometimes his methods suck
FRIEND: wow, I'm wicked cynical
Shaun: here is the reality
Shaun: God plants truth deep in our hearts
Shaun: deep deep
Shaun: but then life, due to the fact that it is sh*t (as you so rightly put it)
Shaun: piles its filth on top of us
FRIEND: u have me so far
Shaun: so we have to wade through the muck if we want to find the truth
some never set foot in the filth to find the truth
some get in but are un willing to stick their face and hands in
the ones who find the truth find it because they don't back down
the never stop searching
and they get covered in life (again, we all know what that is)
but its grabbing on to that truth and holding on to it that takes us beyond where we want to go to something amazing
Shaun: we all know that truth is there, every last one stinking life covered one of us
FRIEND: and this is why ur a writer :-)
Shaun: do you agree with me
FRIEND: for the most part
FRIEND: i think there's a third group
Shaun: which is
FRIEND: the ones who get discouraged with the search that they don't want to look anymore
FRIEND: so they don't try as hard to search because they're tired and broken
Shaun: I believe you are right, but I want to take it a step further
FRIEND: ok...
Shaun: this is a dangerous thing to say
Shaun: but so long as you are alive, you never stop searching, even if you slow down in your tenacity for a season, there will be a new season where you become even more tired of being tired and broken and you will cry out again, and you will renew your efforts, because again, you know there is more, you know that truth is there, and out of desperation you will either search until you die, or you will kill yourself before you try
FRIEND: i agree with that completely
FRIEND: i think most things in life come in phases
FRIEND: sometimes a certain phase is a little too long and a person will start to lose hope....and then something comes along (even if its just a blip of something good) and makes it a little more bearable until the next one comes along
FRIEND: i'm currently waiting for my blip
Shaun: the only waiting I intend to do is on God
Shaun: I do believe he is doing something
Shaun: I want to know what
Shaun: but right now I am sitting in my filth while he picks up the pieces
Shaun: we are all broken
Shaun: none of us is alone
Shaun: God desires to heal us, but we have to ask
Shaun: (that, by the way, is part of, if not all of, the truth I was talking about)
FRIEND: it just rarely happens as quickly as we'd like
Shaun: but it happens
Shaun: psalm 40 is my hope right now
FRIEND: i like that...i haven't read that one yet

I wish I could wrap all this up in a pretty bow and say "see, God answers prayer and makes everything ok." Well God does answer prayer, he answered me through a friend in a very strange fashion. But he did not make things good pretty and ok. That might not come till later and it might not come at all in this life. But it isn't this life we are living for.

This friend that God used to speak to me is not a believer right now. She is on her journey, weighing heavily all that she is learning about God. I respect her greatly for it. When she makes her decision to follow it will not be a decision made lightly.

Jesus himself said the path to him is narrow and few will find it. Why should we assume it would be otherwise. Life sucks for me right now, but I promise you, I would rather being going through this now because it is far better walking through the crap with God than without him. Trust me, the alternative is worse.