I have been contemplating a lot recently. I sadly haven't gotten anywhere as most of my time to myself is spent thinking of how I can be with someone else. I hate being alone, though sometimes it is necessary. I have always felt this way I think.

I remember a time when I was a little kid. My mom had gone into someones house to visit briefly. I was given to option to come in as well after being assured it would be just a short visit. With that knowledge I opted to stay in the car and wait it out. Suddenly I was alone. I didn't last long before I did last long before I wanted to go inside. It felt like I had been in the car for hours, though it was probably only minutes. I went up to the door of the house and knocked on the door. No one came. I knocked some more. Still no one. I started to cry... hard. I feared the worst, I feared I was being neglected. I was alone and getting very scared. Through blurred tearing eyes I keep looking up at the door knocking. Finally someone came to the door and let me in. I got a chocolate chip cookie fresh from the oven out of the whole deal (I wonder if that led to my affinity for cookies, they make me feel better). In hindsight it was all kinda stupid, but remember, I was a little kid.

I have never actually told anyone that story before. Sadly though that wasn't the only time that has happened, that story has actually been repeated in my childhood at least a few other times after that moment. Its a pattern, I think I want to be alone, but before long I feel neglected.

I went for a walk twice today. I really wanted to go for a walk with someone, but I didn't. I went alone. I thought it might be best for me to take some alone time, but before long I felt neglected again. I thought about asking someone to join me, but I thought they probably wouldn't be interested. I'm not sure why I didn't just ask, maybe I am afraid of finding out no one really did want to go with me, then I would really feel neglected. Pretty sad, huh?

On my walk I passed this kid on his bike and his dad. I actually passed them twice, once on my way out and once on my way back (actually they passed me on the way back). The first time I saw them I said hi to the dad. Just a friendly neighbor kinda greeting, the kid just looked at me. On the second encounter the kid rode past me and said hi. It was so cool. I don't really know why, but it made something spark in me. It just made me feel better. Just that little bit of attention from someone that didn't know me was incredible.

I began to think about what it might be like to have a kid someday. That in turn got me thinking about the only person I really truly wanted to walk with. Then I started thinking about God. I can't help but wonder how many times He has wanted to go on a walk with me. I wonder how many times I have declined to ask Him because of that same fear. And you know what, I think I only ended up hurting myself. I ended up feeling neglected, simply because I was afraid to go on the walk for fear of being neglected.

I think next time I feel like going for a walk, I am just going to ask someone. I hope they say yes, but even if they don't, its ok. God will be there. He promised He would be and He hasn't broken that promise yet, why should I be afraid He will start now? Plus, I bet God makes some crazy good chocolate chip cookies.

-Art