Im looking for something profound to write. All to often I sit down to write and expect to be the next great writer. The Saint Augustine of today. I think part of that comes from my desire to be remembered. I want to have an effect on the world. In fact, I want to change the world.

I have felt for a long time now that God has something big planned for me. I can't figure out how it is to play out though. Once, I remember very distinctly God was trying to tell me something. I wanted more of Him, I wanted the kind of relationship with Him that the heros of Christendom had. I wanted what everyone else had with God. Then He stopped me short and told me something. He said He wanted a relationship with me that was special. I wanted what everyone else had, He wanted what no one else had. A relationship unique to me.

Have I attained that yet?, I don't know, I don't think so. It is hard to reach a point when you don't know what it is you are reaching. I still believe I have yet to get there. Maybe when I get to where I am going with God I will have done something big, maybe I will have changed the world. Or maybe I already am and I can't see it. Maybe I spend to much time trying to figure out God, at least it keeps me busy.

-Art

2 days ago I was walking along the top of a mountain, or rather near the top, expecting I was going to soon see the world in its beauty. From high above I anticipated seeing what God see's, the good in light of the bad. I was feeling pretty good, but I wasn't paying attention. For it is then that I began my decent into the valley of apathy. With every step I took I slid back without even recognizing that I was getting further away from where I needed to be.

Apathy is dangerous, I can feeling closing in all the time, and it takes all my effort to resist. I so desire to give in, to sit down and rest in nothing. But I am running, or as close to it as I can get. It is like running in the mud, a veritable struggle to lift each leg from the suction of the muck. In times like these I feel so far from God, though perhaps I am at my closest with Him, for I know that it is only through His provision that I have the strength to go on.

I am writing this no to concern everyone that reads this, nor do I desire to pull you in with me, because in the valley of apathy there can be many or there can be one, and it wouldn't matter cause you don't care. Rather I write to keep my head and my focus. In writing I remember and recognize those things that keep me from slowing. It is my friends, those that I love that beckon me on. It is the ones you never expected to listen that not only listen but listen with care that give me a boost and allow me to break the face of apathy with a smile. And its the ones that listened all the time, even when you had nothing to say, that help me to remain constant. And it is those that I may not see but I know keep me in memory and prayer that allow me to rest without falling prey to the valleys wiles.

Im not out yet, but I am hopeful that the end is near. Thank you all.

-Art

I love writing. I always have. I can remember writing or drawing everytime I had a writing implement and paper. I even used to journal, but I could never seem to stick with that one. Inevitably my writing was all transformed to some form of poetry or lyric. Journaling never lasted for me for one specific reason. I couldn't and still can't grasp the idea of writing something that no one is going to look at.

I believe that when you write something it is because you desire to tell someone something. That at some point, at some time, either down the road or just across the street, you want what you have written to be read. Often times there is abit of fear in us to disclose our inmost secrets to a person formally and in person, so we write them down. Yet, just because we write them down doesn't mean we don't want them to be read. It is only a question of time. If you wanted your secrets to remain a secret you wouldn't have written them down in the first place. The best kept secrets between 3 men are when 2 of them are dead. I believe that was Ben Franklin, though I could be wrong.

As for me, my time is now, my thoughts and secrets are here, and my fear extends only as far as my signature.

-Art

The things I don't know. Last night turned out to be quite a lesson for me as I tried to reconcile my mind and my heart. From time to time (though thankfully the time between the times is long) I find myself wondering if I love my girlfriend the way I should love her. There is never any question of the fact that I do love her, but I wonder if there is enough substance and foundation to our relationship in its present state to survive a relationship beyond dating. I told Lola (not her real name, and no she isn't a showgirl) about everything I was feeling, it was a good conversation. I just don't know if I am any further along now then i was before. I have spent a long time trying to learn about what love is. I took a whole semester to lead a Bible Study about love, I write about it, and think about it, and I feel like I know no more now then I did when I started. I have come to wonder if it is something one can ever understand.

A child has no problem grasping this concept. They have no acquired knowledge of love, they just do it. They love without question, and they do it better than most adults. Have I been so corrupted?

To steal an idea from Paul, I can have all the knowledge in the world, acquire every degree available, speak every language (including those of angels), write novels and symphonies, all this and more, but if I have not love it is nothing. I think I finally understand what he was trying to say.

It has taken me 22 years to learn something I probably innately knew from the start if I would have only listened. Perhaps I am lucky to have discoved it at such a young age, I know there are many who are still working on that concept. Yet I still feel like I am no closer with this understanding now then I was before. You see, the same problem still lies before me. I may know what Paul was trying to tell me, but actually having love the way a child has love, that is the ultimate challenge. May God help us all.

-Art

P.S. - This blog is more than just a forum for my musing, my waxing philosphical. I want to learn here as much as teach, please feel free to comment to anything I say, I welcome it.

I have no idea what to write about. I started writing about dreams, but after about a paragraph and a half I backspaced half of it and then selected and deleted the rest (and I only did that when I realized hitting backspace was taking so long). I think I was just trying to be too profound. I love my dreams most of the time, and I really think God is trying to speak something to me through some of those dreams. Only problem is, Im not some kind of jungian analyst. Dreams escape me in my sleep and they escape me in real life. Maybe I ought not worry about it and just enjoy them for what they are. If God wants to speak to me, may I understand the words He is using.

Oh man, now I am tired, see what I get for thinking to early in the morning. Thats the end of that.

-Art

Hey! Hey! Hey!
That is what the little boy outside the store keeps yelling. Over and over he repeats that word. He says it forcefully and with passion. Everytime someone walks by. Hey!
I miss the days when I could sit there and yell for the sake of hearing my voice. Then it was cute, or atleast expected of a kid of such a young age, now if I were to sit out there and yell Hey! over and over again they would probably remove me from the mall. It is funny how those things happen. The changes age brings.

Live it up kid, enjoy your cuteness and everthing it brings. Being sexy just doesn't have the same benifits. HA HA HA.

If you think about it, I guess that age of cuteness that brings with it soo many social graces doesn't truely end, it just gets post-poned. There is another age that allows you to act without inhibitions, here's to being a dirty old man. HEY!

-Art

This whole creating things just doesn't seem to be working for me. It is a good thing I am not God or we would not have a day three at all, say goodbye to tuesday. I don't know what happened, I guess I just got too busy yesterday, but it was a good time all in all.

I don't know that I have alot to say about yesterday. I will say this however, my roomates girlfriend Kristen had a brilliant idea. All night prayer and worship! Is that not a great idea or what?! You know what is funny, if you had brought that idea to me as little as 5 years ago I don't know if I would have been so excited, I think I probably would have found it a very boring way to spend an entire night. That just goes to show you how much closer I am to God now then when I was first entering into college. If it wasn't for the people I met at IV, I wouldn't be the person I am now. As I got to know these people, I was encouraged by them to seek first God and his kingdom. I made it my desire to do that. Funny thing is, as I started to make this my desire I discovered it wasn't really my desire to begin with, God was forming me. He was and is working in my heart, cleaning and rebuilding areas all the time.

Best part yet. I am scheming again. I can't disclose too much information right away, but just know that it is going to be a pleasant suprise so long as God desires it.

Alright, that is a good start for today. Keep reading and I will keep posting.

-Art