Diary of Artimus Jones

I fight for her and I fight not.

2008-08-20T17:15:00.004-04:00

Some how I will have her. The when, the why, the how, and perhaps even the who; they are not yet determined. Only this is sure, I will have her.

I am a man, created by God, with a heart. My heart has been created and broken many times over. This is a reality not uncommon to most. We have all seen our share of wounds and heartbreak. But there have always been a few truths hidden deep in this heart of mine. These truths whisper deep and can be heard in the quite moments, and even when they are not paid attention, they are still known. That is how I know that somehow I will have her. I know deep that one of my purposes is to share my life. I do not believe my life was made to be hoarded away but to be shared with as many as possible and give to only one other aside from God.

Perhaps that is why I do not yet have someone to share this hearts of mine with and the life it drives. I have yet to give it all fully to God. I have been wrestling hard with this concept lately. My heart was recently wounded again. Satan attempted to steal my joy and my life. He knows my heart does not belong to him, so he will do what is second best to him, he will attempt to kill my heart and my life so that it lose its effectiveness and appeal. But I will not allow this to go on any further. Victory does not belong to the devil. It is here that I realize that God is asking for my heart not so that he can keep it and lock it up, but so he can repair it and give it back. He wants to give it back stronger, healthier, better. He wants me to fight like a true warrior. Fight I will.

I am not dead yet. I still love. I still desire. By loving, and by desiring, I live. In the end, I will have her. She is my beauty. She is my joy and my affection. She is my love for God displayed in physical form. She is my reflection of God's love for me. She is my delight. She captivates me as God captivates me. She will be mine and I will be hers.

I wish I could tell you I have met her already. I like to think I have. Yet God has not confirmed or denied that. It would be easy to fight for her. But it would be wrong to fight for her. Instead I will fight for my heart. It is the most I can give anyone, it would be a failure to fight for her and have nothing to give when the time comes. By fighting for my heart I will have something beautiful and restored to present to her. I will have her.

-Art

Conversation with a friend, a bad day, and God.

2008-08-14T18:50:00.002-04:00

Life kinda sucks for me right now. My stress levels are quite high. I am overwhelmed by so much that is going on. I don't really want to do anything but sit and cry. I have even done that once or twice already. This morning even.

This day has already started out as a difficult day. For those who do not yet know, I am once again single. I have been this way for less than a week. This is not a state I enjoy entering, and once I finally become accepting of my state of singleness I usually desire to leave it. Somehow this doesn't seem to be the way things are going to go though. At least not right now. I am tired. What I wouldn't give for some answers. I have been calling on God lately, asking for some answers. He has been answering. Sadly he seems to have to repeat himself alot as I tend to forget rather quickly. However, just today he answered me again through a friend. I must warn you, there is some stronger language than normal, but please note that it is real and honest and raw what I am about to recount to you.

Shaun: today is not going to be a fun day
FRIEND: you either huh?
Shaun: no
FRIEND: our processor is the devil and is down for the 3rd time in a week....why will ur day be bad?
Shaun: my heart is weak and I have very little left in me to resist the lies Satan whispers to me
FRIEND: wow, ur answer was better than mine
Shaun: im not trying to one up you
FRIEND: i know
FRIEND: urs was just worded very lyrically
Shaun: I just want to cry for a while
FRIEND: do you want to meet up for lunch or something?
Shaun: I don't know, it might be nice
FRIEND: :-( **cyber hug**
FRIEND: it would have to be wicked cheap cuz i'm broke...but we should do something
Shaun: why do things turn out this way
FRIEND: do u want my real answer or do you want me to tell you what you told me the last time i felt like this?
FRIEND: ;-)
Shaun: what is your real answer
FRIEND: i warn u, my answer probably won't help....at all
Shaun: say it anyway, honesty is my preferred wine
FRIEND: life is sh*t...it lulls u into a false sense of security and then rips it out from under you when it gets bored so you're miserable for a while....then u get happy again....and it lasts, and its nice....then it starts all over
Shaun: that is almost true
FRIEND: eventually, the cycle stops and ur happy and content, but for a long time its the least fun rollercoaster ever invented
Shaun: the reality is I know that God is doing something here
FRIEND: some people never get to that point....some people make themselves find it....and some are lucky enough to find that perfect person who makes everything ok even when its not
Shaun: and it will be something amazing and wonderful
FRIEND: yeah, but sometimes his methods suck
FRIEND: wow, I'm wicked cynical
Shaun: here is the reality
Shaun: God plants truth deep in our hearts
Shaun: deep deep
Shaun: but then life, due to the fact that it is sh*t (as you so rightly put it)
FRIEND: :-)
Shaun: piles its filth on top of us
FRIEND: u have me so far
Shaun: so we have to wade through the muck if we want to find the truth
some never set foot in the filth to find the truth
some get in but are un willing to stick their face and hands in
the ones who find the truth find it because they don't back down
the never stop searching
and they get covered in life (again, we all know what that is)
but its grabbing on to that truth and holding on to it that takes us beyond where we want to go to something amazing
Shaun: we all know that truth is there, every last one stinking life covered one of us
FRIEND: and this is why ur a writer :-)
Shaun: do you agree with me
FRIEND: for the most part
FRIEND: i think there's a third group
Shaun: which is
FRIEND: the ones who get discouraged with the search that they don't want to look anymore
FRIEND: so they don't try as hard to search because they're tired and broken
Shaun: I believe you are right, but I want to take it a step further
FRIEND: ok...
Shaun: this is a dangerous thing to say
Shaun: but so long as you are alive, you never stop searching, even if you slow down in your tenacity for a season, there will be a new season where you become even more tired of being tired and broken and you will cry out again, and you will renew your efforts, because again, you know there is more, you know that truth is there, and out of desperation you will either search until you die, or you will kill yourself before you try
FRIEND: i agree with that completely
FRIEND: i think most things in life come in phases
FRIEND: sometimes a certain phase is a little too long and a person will start to lose hope....and then something comes along (even if its just a blip of something good) and makes it a little more bearable until the next one comes along
FRIEND: i'm currently waiting for my blip
Shaun: the only waiting I intend to do is on God
Shaun: I do believe he is doing something
Shaun: I want to know what
Shaun: but right now I am sitting in my filth while he picks up the pieces
Shaun: we are all broken
Shaun: none of us is alone
Shaun: God desires to heal us, but we have to ask
Shaun: (that, by the way, is part of, if not all of, the truth I was talking about)
FRIEND: it just rarely happens as quickly as we'd like
Shaun: but it happens
Shaun: psalm 40 is my hope right now
FRIEND: i like that...i haven't read that one yet

I wish I could wrap all this up in a pretty bow and say "see, God answers prayer and makes everything ok." Well God does answer prayer, he answered me through a friend in a very strange fashion. But he did not make things good pretty and ok. That might not come till later and it might not come at all in this life. But it isn't this life we are living for.

This friend that God used to speak to me is not a believer right now. She is on her journey, weighing heavily all that she is learning about God. I respect her greatly for it. When she makes her decision to follow it will not be a decision made lightly.

Jesus himself said the path to him is narrow and few will find it. Why should we assume it would be otherwise. Life sucks for me right now, but I promise you, I would rather being going through this now because it is far better walking through the crap with God than without him. Trust me, the alternative is worse.

An Insight Into Leading.

2008-02-11T12:16:00.000-05:00

I have been in one leadership position or another for the past ten years at least. You would think with that kind of track record I would be good at it by now, but I am really not. In many ways I don't think leadership is just a list of rules that if followed will result in some grandiose end result. I think it takes time, it requires trust and a life "lived above reproach", which basically means if you were to pick it apart it would hold up to the scruitiny, and it takes patience. I'm not sure I really fit most of those qualifications. Heck, most of our presidential canditates couldn't fit those. So what am I doing in this position of leadership. I am hear because I believe God has lead me here.

I am leading a small group right now on Prayer, or more specifically what happens when God's people pray. This is an interesting study for me to lead on a few counts. First, while I am a definite believer in the power of prayer and that God answers prayer always, I am not really good at it. I pray on my own plenty, but I am not good at listening. I often pray just for my needs and find it dificult to remember to pray for others (don't worry, I do pray for you all, its just a task for me to remember). Secondly, I am not actually leading this study in a traditional sense. This is the first DVD lead study I have ever lead, which is actually a contradition. I guess we will say this is the first DVD study I have ever facillitated... Hosted... take your pick. As a result of this I have found myself being taught and convicted in ways I haven't been for a long time because I am allowing God to take over.

The interesting thing is that is exactly what this study is about. Not only should we pray, but God will lead us and guide us when we take the time to seek him out. And to do so regularly. So I have been doing that. I sat down the other day to pray about a situation that was really weighing down my heart. Honestly my first response was to go to a friend and find an answer, but when I did that God twisted my gut a bit and reminded me I should go to Him first. So I apologized to my friend and went to God. In my praying God got to the root of the problem very quickly. He dug up painful issues in my heart that I thought I had dealt with long ago but had merely burried. God then lead me to my next course of action, and while I have yet to follow though (I confess I am a little scared) I have felt a new peace in my heart over the last few days simply because I know God is here.

This note might seem like it has less to do with leading and more to do with following Gods will and being sensitive to that. I, however, feel like that is exactly what leading is about. Leading is about following a better leader. In a sense I am not really a leader at all, just a mouthpiece for God, at least thats what I hope I am.

-Art

A once and maybe again blogger.

2008-02-07T09:18:00.001-05:00

I jumped on the blog band wagon several years ago. I loved the idea of sharing my heart with the world, or at least those who cared to know what was going on in my life. It was a wonderful way to put my heart on paper (digital paper that is) and I did so regularly. Until it became popular to do so. Soon everyone started blogging. Then I stopped.

I would like to tell you that I stopped as a way of bucking the system. To stand and fight conformity. In fact I often will adopt new ideas and innovations early just to be different than the mainstream and then move on to the next thing when the mainstream gets to close. I don't want to be accused of being lost in the crowd. However in this instance I just plain stopped writing. At first I was writing regularly. I made profound insights into life and sprituality. I plumbed the depths of my soul with vigor. But as time went on I stopped investigating the inner sanctums of my heart with such fervor and regularity. It became difficult to find light cheery insights when I was facing so many dark corners and dusty floors. Soon I stopped writing altogether save the occasional insight that I didn't so much find as stumble upon. It was just easier.

I rationalized my lack of writing by saying I was getting busier and didn't have time to write. Or I would convince myself that no one was really interested in my writings (which I think was partly true anyway). But the full reality was I did have the time if I wanted it, I just had to make the time. And it doesn't really matter if people wanted to read my proclaimations of truth and the human condition because the whole purpose of writing to begin with was to investigate and make sense of my own life if for no other purpose then to grow myself. I only posted publicly in the off chance that I might be able to help someone else through their journey while I went through mine.

So whats the point I am trying to make? Simply this.

No good thing, and I mean truely good, meanful thing, comes without work. Work gives value to the result and meaning to our lives. Would it be nice if work wasn't so hard? Sure it would, but I don't think nice is what we are after. I think we are all after meaning and value. God has given us all purpose in this life and we can't begin to fulfill that purpose without investing some effort. So I want to encourage you, if you are reading this, to really invest in your purpose if you know it or into discovering your purpose if you don't yet know it. I might not jump back into blogging with the same regularily as I once did (but then again I might, its hard to say) but I will keep working to evaluate my place in this life and more importantly in Gods kingdom and through that process hope to better myself. And along the way I will share my gained insights when appropriate in the off chance it will help someone. Just to reiterate this one last time, evaluate where you are right now, start there at least, and then begin to work with fervor to move ahead. Paul admonished us to evaluate ourselves regularly. Do it up.

-Art

Coffee And Zombies

2008-01-22T12:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I woke up ready to start a new work week. I put in my contacts, brushed my teeth, had my shower and all that jazz before walking downstairs to sit infront of my computer in my office. It's an easy thing for me to get to work in the mornings, since I work from home I can litterally role out of bed and hobble downstairs in my pjs and bed head if I am running a little late. But yesterday I actually made myself ready because I was determined to have a prosperous day.

As I was sitting infront of my computer I started by checking to see if I had any pressing client emails... Nothing. Then I looked to see if my business partner was online yet... Nope. I thought that was a little odd as usually there is something going on but I just chalked it up to happy clients and a slightly late business partner. I went to get myself some breakfast while I waited for something to happen. Since I didn't have cereal left I had some hot chocolate and cookies. Breakfast of Champions.

After breakfast I checked to see if there was any change in my inbox, still nothing, and my business partner was still no where to be found. This was shaping up to be a boring day. I decided at that point to take my morning off and start calling some clients after lunch to take care of some small nagging but relatively unimportant things. My brother then wanders downs stairs and decideds to go out and get some goceries and the like and, seeing as how I had no cereal for breakfast, decided to go with him. While we were out we ran into Kenny (the bassist at church) and tells us he decided to go out with is daughter to do some shopping since he didn't have to work today. *he doesn't have to work, hmmm, I wonder why.... MARTIN LUTHER KING JR DAY!! Duh!*

I can't believe I forgot that, no wonder there was nothing to be done, it was a day off. I proceeded to take the rest of the day off and really enjoy myself and boy did I. I watched a zombie movie (I love zombie movies) and then I went out for coffee with a friend that last nearly four and a half hours. How totally awesome. It was quite a pleasent suprise to have an extra day off, even though I was ready to work that morning. I considered it a blessing and a gift.

And here comes the turn.

Often times I think we get caught up in the drudgery of life, and whether we look forward to the next day or not we fail to see the smaller elements of the day that give us clues to what is really going on. I failed to realize that there was a holiday going on at first and if I hadn't come to that realization I might have missed a fair amount of joy because I would have felt like I had to "work" all day even if I didn't have something to do.

I believe God wants us to be productive in our day to day lives, but not without paying attention to the clues throughout our days, our lives that lead us to realizing something bigger. There is joy to be had. There is freedom to be attained. He has given us hope through his son. And he has given it is a gift. It is not something to be earned, it is something to be accepted and enjoyed and enjoyed fully, like a 4 hour conversation over coffee that was gone in the first 30 min. Like a zombie movie in the middle of the day with a friend (if you like that sort of thing). And then we should go the step further and show others the gift we have and tell them to take it too. It is a gift we have all been given. Don't let it sit there gathering dust just because you have "work" to do. I assure you at the end of your days all the "work" you did will have amounted to very little. God still wants us to do our work well, but he also wants us to enjoy the things He has given us.

-Art

Fear and Chocolate Chip Cookies.

2007-04-23T19:49:00.000-04:00

I have been contemplating a lot recently. I sadly haven't gotten anywhere as most of my time to myself is spent thinking of how I can be with someone else. I hate being alone, though sometimes it is necessary. I have always felt this way I think.

I remember a time when I was a little kid. My mom had gone into someones house to visit briefly. I was given to option to come in as well after being assured it would be just a short visit. With that knowledge I opted to stay in the car and wait it out. Suddenly I was alone. I didn't last long before I did last long before I wanted to go inside. It felt like I had been in the car for hours, though it was probably only minutes. I went up to the door of the house and knocked on the door. No one came. I knocked some more. Still no one. I started to cry... hard. I feared the worst, I feared I was being neglected. I was alone and getting very scared. Through blurred tearing eyes I keep looking up at the door knocking. Finally someone came to the door and let me in. I got a chocolate chip cookie fresh from the oven out of the whole deal (I wonder if that led to my affinity for cookies, they make me feel better). In hindsight it was all kinda stupid, but remember, I was a little kid.

I have never actually told anyone that story before. Sadly though that wasn't the only time that has happened, that story has actually been repeated in my childhood at least a few other times after that moment. Its a pattern, I think I want to be alone, but before long I feel neglected.

I went for a walk twice today. I really wanted to go for a walk with someone, but I didn't. I went alone. I thought it might be best for me to take some alone time, but before long I felt neglected again. I thought about asking someone to join me, but I thought they probably wouldn't be interested. I'm not sure why I didn't just ask, maybe I am afraid of finding out no one really did want to go with me, then I would really feel neglected. Pretty sad, huh?

On my walk I passed this kid on his bike and his dad. I actually passed them twice, once on my way out and once on my way back (actually they passed me on the way back). The first time I saw them I said hi to the dad. Just a friendly neighbor kinda greeting, the kid just looked at me. On the second encounter the kid rode past me and said hi. It was so cool. I don't really know why, but it made something spark in me. It just made me feel better. Just that little bit of attention from someone that didn't know me was incredible.

I began to think about what it might be like to have a kid someday. That in turn got me thinking about the only person I really truly wanted to walk with. Then I started thinking about God. I can't help but wonder how many times He has wanted to go on a walk with me. I wonder how many times I have declined to ask Him because of that same fear. And you know what, I think I only ended up hurting myself. I ended up feeling neglected, simply because I was afraid to go on the walk for fear of being neglected.

I think next time I feel like going for a walk, I am just going to ask someone. I hope they say yes, but even if they don't, its ok. God will be there. He promised He would be and He hasn't broken that promise yet, why should I be afraid He will start now? Plus, I bet God makes some crazy good chocolate chip cookies.

-Art

A Matter of Life and Death

2006-11-14T12:08:00.000-05:00

I died nearly two weeks ago. I have died nearly every day since then. It isn't a physical death. It's dying of a different sort. I think we all view death as being somewhat final, but that is not right. Death doesn't end anything, its just a different, darker, unnatural living.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. He created all the plants, animals, sun, moon, stars, sky, water, land, and man (the all inclusive man). There was no death, only Life. Life unlike what we have ever experienced, yet I believe we are remember it somewhere deep inside us. Echoing faintly from our souls. God looked at all the Life he created and it was good, man was very good. God spoke to man and woman, his crowning achievements, the epitome of Life, and he said "This is all yours, rule it, name it, own it, you have dominion over all, but you cannot eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil". Ok, I paraphrased that a bit, but in essence that is what He said. Then we did the worst thing we could do. We, Man, ate of the Tree forbidden us. That day we Died. It wasn't a physical death, it was dying of a different sort. It was separation. It was not what God intended, it wasn't natural. Adam and Eve and we, their children, continued to live, but we no longer had Life.

When I say I died nearly two weeks ago, I mean I have been separated from the closest thing to Life one can experience on this earth. Until I am reunited with Christ, I cannot imagine anything else on this earth closer to that Life Christ promises me. I had love and love had me. Now it is gone, but I don't believe it is dead. I suppose that means I'm not really dead either, wounded perhaps, but not dead, not really. Hope is keeping me alive.

Now hope is an interesting elixir. Where love brings us the closest we could ever come to Life, hope only keeps us barely alive. If Love is a river, constantly renewing itself, then Hope is a trickle, sustaining but not satisfied. Hope is a bitter elixir; though it keeps you alive, it can make your heart sick. However, I will not stop drinking in Hope, for life in any sort is better than true death.

No, I am not dead. I am merely sick. Love has not seen the last of me.

So for those in the same condition as I, drink in hope until you can again swim in love. And when you are swimming in love, swim in love until you drown in it.

-Art

Here's to swimming.

2006-10-27T09:31:00.000-04:00

I think a lot. About all sorts of things. Depending on the day I will think about wondrous things, like just how does your hand work and how cool it is that it actually does work, or how we are able to stand on two not very large flat supports known as feet. It is amazing really. On other days I find myself thinking about my relationship, or my friends, or my seeming continuous lack of money. We all think about things, and as always I have been thinking again.

I decided last night that I need to start writing again. It has been awhile, and while I may not have that many readers rushing to read my new writings, it is still helpful none the less. Well, upon deciding I need to write again I began to think about why I felt this urge, this compulsion to write. While I don't think I have any conclusive mind blowing reasons, I believe fairly strongly that it has to do with my recent lack of motivation. I feel like I have not been fully in God's will.

Often times I will end up in a position where I just coast. Feeling like I am doing a good job. I gathered momentum and now I am able to sit back, relax, and still watch the scenery change. There is a problem with coasting. Eventually you run out of momentum and you come to a stop. Let me tell you, getting moving again after a complete stop is not easy. It would have been better if I just kept working.

I hate swimming. Well, hate is a fairly strong word, but a dislike it. I find it to be a lot of work. This summer I was visiting my girlfriend (sorry all you single ladies) up at her parents lake house. It was a gorgeous sunny day with a lot of wind. I feel so alive when the wind plays through my hair. It is an adventurous feeling. It was a warm day and the lake water was very inviting. So after awhile we decided to go swimming. I got in the water before my lady and it was the perfect temperature. Just a degree or two cooler than a warm bath. So I went out swimming a ways. We decided we would go swim out to the floating dock, about 100 feet away. It was a choppy day on the lake with all the wind, and after we got out about 40 feet we decided it was too difficult to make it against the current. We had worked hard for very little ground, or water. So we turned back. Even with the water now pushing us back to shore, I realized just how difficult that initial swim had been. I was very tired. If I had been in better shape perhaps this wouldn't have been such an issue, but I was really starting to worry if I could make it back. It was all I could do to put one arm in front of the other. I was starting to get this panicky feeling as the waves started to crash over me. It seemed like I wasn't getting any closer to shore. Of course Laura was not aware of these thoughts, I had to look like a man. So I pressed on with what strength I could muster. Finally I made it back with great relief.

That isn't just a random story. I used it to illustrate my point. If I hadn't kept swimming I would have likely drowned. I had to keep going, even when it seemed difficult. So why don't I do that in my spiritual life. It as if I think I have a life vest on and I can just rest a bit until I get moving when in reality as soon as I stop I start to drown spiritually. Its not an easy world. Maybe that's why Paul said he was pressing on to the goal. Pressing on doesn't suggest it is easy or even fun, but it has to be done or death is the only other option.

I still don't like swimming, but I like it better than drowning. Here's to swimming.

-Art

Life Changes Again...

2006-05-02T14:46:00.000-04:00

If one day I am able to look back on all my experiences and all my life, I don't think I would be able to honestly say that things went the way I wanted them to. Im not saying that this is a bad thing though. In fact I am hoping that when I look back on my life I will see that things went better (in the long run) then I could have ever planned for myself. After all, its not my life, Im just using it.

The reason I bring this up? No more summer cross country road trip. I was initially disappointed by this. I was really hoping there would be an opportunity for new expreiences and a chance to see some old friends and make some new friends. Life was going to be different and it was going to be good. And it turns out that life is different, and it is good.

The freedom and unexpectedness I was looking forward to in that trip is still happening. Just not the way I expected. Now I am the director of Young Adult Ministry, my business nearly got sued and lost a lot of money, but now we are doing better than could have been expected.
I have become busy in ways I didn't expect to be busy, and in many ways can't help but wonder if this might not be a better option to my summer trip. I am hoping that I will still get the chance to make my trip. Its just that the circumstances will be different.

For now I will just see where God is taking me. Either way, I know it is going to be good. Maybe difficult, maybe not even fun, but good. So stick around. Soon I will give more insight into the way things have been changing, until of course Life Changes Again...

-Art

Of fear and faith.

2005-09-28T13:57:00.000-04:00

Soon I will be treking across the country and back again with my good friend and roomate, Mike, and possibly my brother, Joel. It will just be us and our required supplys in a car for three months or as long as the money holds out. I have dreamed of doing this for years and years, and now it is going to finally happen. I am captivated by the freedom in the idea. It feels so romantic to me to just go without any idea of what the next day, much less the next five min, will bring. I know we never really know, but we always have an idea based on routine. This trip however will have no routine to it, or a very minimal one. Adventure will be at every turn and on ever golden horizon.

There are still several months left before we can take off on this trip, we probably won't leave till late May and we still have logistics planning to do. It feels like it will never come time to leave but at the same time I know it will come upon us so fast that we won't be fully prepared for it. I love it.

The other day I was thinking about what this all will mean in some great depth and I scared myself. I WON'T KNOW WHAT TOMORROW HOLDS! I know, as I said before, that we never know for sure, but to realize that I will be leaving all I know and find comfort in kinda freaked me out. It is exciting and invigorating think I will have no control but for the present. It is also a very sobering and scary thing. I want to go deperately, and I am afraid to leave because of what it might mean.

When I came to that conclusion I realized something else. My journey with God is the same way. I know that God has enormous things planned for me. Things I cannot even fathom. Life changing moments. Joy and pain. Laughter and Tears. I desire to experience all this soo very much. I want to go on this God adventure so desperately and yet find myself afraid to leave.

For months I would lay in bed and ask God why I haven't experienced the closeness with God I have been yearning for. I wanted to know what was missing. I didn't understand why. I know I had felt that closeness in the past, but only ever for fleeting moments. Now I know that all that time God was calling me to leave on a spiritual trek with Him and I heard the call but wasn't leaving because I was afraid. I am still afraid, and I still haven't left. I don't know how to leave or how to abandon my fear.

See, though there are similarities in the two trips, there are also some important differences. I have spent so much time in this physical plain that I understand how to move and act in it. I have learned enough to know how to manipulate my physical surrounding to actually do something. I can actually overcome my fear by simply putting one foot in front of the other. I am not as familiar with the spiritual world to simply let go. Why am I not as familiar...? Its probably due to a lack of faith I suppose. No matter how much will you have, if you don't have the muscle to move on the physical plain then you can't move. Faith is the muscle of the spiritual world and I haven't exercised it enough.

God told us he would never give us more than we can bear when testing our faith. I believe that is true, but far to often I have not even tried to flex my faith against the tests before me. I have just let things consume me. Just like building muscle is work, so is building faith and I just haven't been doing it.

I may never be able to bench press a mountain physically, but with time I will be able to move one with faith.

-Art

Finding Words

2005-09-15T15:34:00.000-04:00

I am always seeking out those combinations of words that stir the heart deep inside and evoke and feeling that spreads out to every limb. I seek them out in my writing of lyrics and poetry and prose; and I seek them out for my everyday language.

It is in my design; I often stumble over my words when speaking from a very emotional level because I want to do more than just express what I am feeling. I want people to actually feel it. I try desperately to find the string of words that will, by some affect of magic, transform their understanding to full experience. It's not easy to do.

For the increasing need for instant information communication, we have abandoned the art of speech. The great orators of our time are all nearly several generations old. We have forgone thoughtful and eloquent tongues for the atrocious abbreviations of the instant messaging world. Perhaps we have been sitting in the dull roars of our modern world for so long that we have forgotten the beauty of the spoken and sung words we were all gifted with. The backdrop sound has become so loud that shouting is the only way we can be heard and it has become nothing more than a whisper. I want to escape all this. I want to hear a whisper ring in my ears like a shout. I want to hear a shout that is so loud it makes the earth tremble. I want my ears to be filled every day with the beautiful sounds of silence so that the voice, when heard, conveys more emotion and beauty and life than I could ever contain pouring into me.

I will continue to seek out those words that radiate warmth from the center of ones soul out to the fingertips and emanate from the skin something like light. If all I ever find are words that evoke only a tenth of the power of the words God uttered when he spoke all creation into existence, they will still be greater and more beautiful than any words I have ever known before.

-Art

Overflow of the heart

2005-08-22T14:00:00.000-04:00

For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks...

Listen good for my heart is gushing forth with emotion and I can no longer contain what spills from my lips. I am so desprately torn apart in a furry of emotion. I feel as if I am loosing a friend, I am losing a friend.

When Christ spoke those words he was speaking of evil, but I believe they ring true in all occasions. My heart is bursting with tears and fear. I am crying deep in my soul for a friend/ a brother, who has walked away from his Father and Creator. He is full of anger and I sense even some hate in his voice and actions. I am scared to lose him, I am scared to see him struggling like this, and I am even more scared to become him. I take that last phrase back, I don't believe I could ever lose my faith in God, I have come to depend on him so much. What I am truely scared of is the fact that it is even possible to lose such faith.

I love God so much, he has blessed me so greatly, I am growing daily in my faith and learning more and more about the one who loves me. I don't understand how someones faith could be so shaken to turn away from such a loving and caring God. Only through a great deception can I imagine this to be possible. I think I have just become aware that Satan does exist.

I always knew Satan existed, but I think I treated his existence like one treats a figure in a history book. Real, but not someone I would ever have to cross or meet. I was so wrong. This here is a real enemy, really here, really standing over my shoulder, really a threat... There is a saying that suggest the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. There is alot of truth to that, but there is a second trick equally as good, that is convincing those that believe he exists that he is not a threat. I fell prey to this for too long.

My friend and brother knew God and still heard the lies and walked away from God. The only way to protect yourself is to do more than know God, but know him fully, follow him closely, love him dearly and seek his protection. Christ is the only one that can save us and it is only in his strenght that we can do anything. If you thought a title was enough to protect you I want you to know that a title does you little good against one so clever as Satan, intimacy is your protection. Intimacy with the Father.

Dear God hear me cry in my soul for my brother
know the love I have for him and bring him home
seek him with all you are and awaken his heart again
Protect him, protect me, and protect those that seek to know you
Amen

-Art

Disoriented...

2005-08-16T10:34:00.000-04:00

Who would have ever thought that I could be dealt such a blow that would leave me disoriented for days. One moment is all it took to let those words drop.

A friend of mine told me that he is walking away from his faith, from God. I don't understand that. But somehow I am affected by it. I never expected anyone to say that to me, and I never expected I would be hurt by such things.

If I am hurting like this I can't imagine how God must feel. The tears of the father must be like death.

Im sorry if I ever caused you pain.

-Art

I will cry for you

2005-08-16T10:30:00.000-04:00

I will cry for you
cause I don't understand
how you could just walk away like that

I will cry for you
like I cried for no one else
you put your faith on the shelf

I will cry for you
do you know how much I care
but it won't stop there

I will cry for you
until you walk back through the door
and then I will cry some more

-Art

dust and sweat and blood and dreams

2005-06-28T10:00:00.000-04:00

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."
-- Theodore Roosevelt

I think I have read this quote before. Lets rephrase that, I KNOW I have read this quote before. And I have always found it to be a very encouraging piece of wisdom. It is absolutely incredible.

Presently I am seeking to follow some of my own dreams, and I am hoping to strive valiantly and spend myself for some worthy cause. However there has always been a certain amount of hesitation, it is the error and shortcomings and failings that scare me just enough to keep my feet from running when I hit the ground. Well, I don't want to hesitate anymore. I will be afraid, and I will love it. I want to feel my heart pounding in uncertainty, to feel my blood run hot with large doses of adrenaline. I want to know great enthusiasms, and great devotion.

I have often talked about traveling around this country and visting new places and revisiting old places and reminding myself of just how big God is and just where I fit in everything. I wanted initially to do this with my best friend from high school, and we talked about it often. He is married now, I don't think it is on his radar anymore. But I am not done with the dream yet. So I will go with my bandmate, roomate, and friend. I final independant adventure before a lifetime relationship adventure with many adventures along the way.

I have always wanted to do this, just like I have always wanted to start a band and run my own business. I have done two of those things, I just have this one left. Don't worry, I have plenty more dreams to chase after this, but I think the timing is right for this one. I have always wanted to do it, that should be enough reason.

Im sure there will be more of this to come. Keep checking and I'll keep posting.

-Art

So this is grace

2005-05-30T10:40:00.000-04:00

I am frusterated. There it is, three simple words that sums up everything I am feeling at the moment. the only problem is that I don't know that I can put words to the reason(s) why I am frustrated that would do that/those reason(s) justice. I guess I might as well try.

This is what I have been thinking about lately. Am I who I say I am? And that question invariably calls up the question, Am I who I think I am? No, I don't believe I am.

I walk around claiming to be a follower of Christ. But everyday it seems I turn my back on Him in some way. And as if that wasn't bad enough, afterwards I really desire to feel His arms around me or feel His hand on my back and have Him tell me its alright. And the worst part is... He does!!! He forgives me, everytime I come crawling back to Him, He forgives me, and gives me a hug, and tells me its alright. He knows I will probably turn my back on Him again, but He still takes me back. I don't understand that. I guess that is what you call grace.

-Art

Brilliant!

2005-05-13T11:52:00.000-04:00

The profundities of life come during the most unanticipated moments. This is what I learned today, brilliance is simple. No, I am not saying that it is easy to be brilliant, though maybe it is for all I know. I am saying that the truely brilliant things ever done or concieved are truely plain and simple. They are the "why didn't I think of it" moments.

Here is an example. God made Adam,it was good, Adam was lonely, lonliness was not good, God made Eve, BRILLIANT!! It is so plain, and so simple, it was Brilliant.

So how does this relate to me... I was sitting alone in the shop wishing I had someone to talk to. I decided to go to Brooks pharmacy to get some food. I asked the girl at the counter how she was doing today. She told me all about how tired she was cause she had to get up at 6:30 and she won't get to sleep when she gets home cause she has to watch her brother and sister cause her mom is going into the hospital. All this said to a complete stranger. However, I felt better cause I had a conversation, I felt useful. And I imagine she felt better cause someone would listen to her. Outcome, two people feeling better.

Brilliant!
The simple things always are.

- Art

Money Talks...

2005-05-11T22:54:00.001-04:00

Money talks... or so the saying goes. I think it is true. I know that in my life I am always in constant communication or argument with money. It has become a driving force in the world. It is a necessary evil. We have the ability to make it work for us, or we can end up working for it. The question is at what point are we using it and at what point does it start using us.

One would think that such opposite ends of the spectrum would run so very far from each other, creating an easily recognized and distinguishable point of beginning and ending. However that is just not the case. It is a fine line before you start to work for money.

I wouldn't say I have ever been wealthy. I have known before the suffocating feeling the lack of financial stability can bring. But then, though I am considered to fall below the poverty level for a single white male in VT, I am able to look around and recognize that for a "poor" guy, I am doing pretty well. So, being not wealthy, I am drawn to a desire to experiencing the freedoms we are told we will have when we are financially stable. And yet, not being poor, I haven't entirely grown to appreciate the things I do have.

So where does this all come from? Well, I have been trying to decide as of late what I am going to do as far as a job is considered in the coming months or years. I presently have a choice in front of me. I can become the Manager of Hosaku, the place I am working now, or I can become manager and business partner in a new Nextel store opening up. Take those things and toss in the added fact that I am currently working on my own start up company by the name of Amp'd Ink, and you have a big potential mess. Nextel is sure to offer me more money and benefits right now, however hours might be longer. In the long run it will also offer me money in the form of securities, if it does well, I do well. However, the whole while, I would still be working for a corporation. I want to be my own boss by starting something new, which I am doing. Ahh, here is another twist. I can work on my business at both locations. I like Hosaku, that is the only thing it really has going for it. So therefore it seems rather plain, there is an obvious choice. Why, then, am I here complaining of lack of direction. Cause I am confused, that is why.

Am I making my money work for me, or am I working for money if I take the obvious choice? Or, is this what God has for me? Or, are both choices equally valid and God is just going to make me choose?

How I wish that these things could be easier...

-Art

Something like magic...

2005-04-27T17:06:00.000-04:00

A thought, or an idea, like a pinprick of light, has been kneeding its way into my head for some time now. The idea is real spirituality. Though I am not sure I know fully what it is, it smacks of magic, but greater than illusion. Alchemey that goes deeper than the lead to gold images that word draws up. It is a life that has been forgotten, but not fogotten to the point of extinction. I want to remember this beyond magic.

It was something promised to us by Christ. He sent us a helper, his Spirit, the Holy Spirit, that we might do greater things than Christ did while he walked this earth. MEN WERE HEALED FROM THE FALLING OF A SHADOW OF THE DISCIPLES!! What have we done, I haven't even seen such things, but inside of me I desire to be apart of that greatness. I want to feel the glory of God surging through me. I want to be more than I am, how do I open up and let God's Spirit work in me. It is a struggle so deep that it moves beyond this physical world.

It is mans connection with nature, the living creation of our God. There is a connection. It is there where our heart resonates with the characters in epic tales, fighting with a strength deeper inside of them then we understand. It is on in the Middle Earth before the modern world. It is in the Deep Heaven which we stare at in wonder and awe. It is in the small we try to understand and the great we have not yet discovered. There is an undeniable longing and urgency that we all feel when alone in the booming silence of nature.

Some of us entertain the questions ontop of questions to rationalize our lack of answers. It helps us to deaden the longings we don't want to accept. It is like being blind in the woods, and you can hear the sounds of the road. The horses troting and men walking. But you trip and stummble in your search for the way back to the path. You can smell it, and it is so close it hurts. And so to kill the pain softly you sit, and you say the road can't exsist because you can't find it. You hope that will alleviate the fact that you can still sense it. But for all your atempts to kill your awareness, you still hear it, you still long for it.

I long for that intimacy with God. I want to feel Him course through my viens. That beyond magic. The real spirituality. Somehow I have to get up from my forest and find the road.

-Art

Cathartic

2005-04-26T16:30:00.000-04:00

I don' t know that there is any particular reason that I should be back here writing. The one comment I received on my last post said nothing more than "blah, blah, blah". That isn't all together encouraging. But let it be known here and now, I am not complaining. I just discovered that I like writing just for me. If someone else reads it then wonderful, I love that. However, I enjoy going back and reading what I wrote from time to time. Therefore, I will keep writing for days in the future when I desire to read my thoughts.

Well, Im not sure that there is a whole lot of point to that paragraph, but it is written and it is staying.

One comment left for this post. I'm tired!!!!

-Art

Seriously, where are my peeps at?

2005-04-14T15:29:00.000-04:00

Wow, talk about a long time between posts, what is that... nearly a month? Woah, I need to post more often. It certainly isn't due to lack of things to say, I always have something I can say. Only the question remains, does anyone want to hear it? I guess that is a good question which I still haven't entirely found the answer to.

As I initially said in my first post (maybe it was the second... okay I just check and it turned out to be my seventh post, I really have been gone awhile) I think that anytime we write something it is because we want someone to someday read what we wrote, some part of us wants desperately to expose our deepest most intimate parts to the whole of another or many others, otherwise we would be too afraid to commit those closely gaurded areas of our lives to paper. Well, I am certainly not afraid to write. I think that one of the main reasons that I haven't been back to write on this in a while is because I was and still am unsure of what kind of readership I am getting. I would love to see someone post sometime in response to what I have to say. Don't let me live in my own egomainia assuming that all my thoughts are true and final. I need to be contradicted, I need to learn, otherwise how will I ever reach the day when I truely am right about everything? Ha, Ha, Ha!

Here is a little follow up, several posts back (Im not going to bother guessing how many this time) I mentioned an all night prayer and worship thing. Well it is going to happen tomorrow. It is so cool, I can't wait for it to get started. Also, just the other day my band, Corban, got its first website up in time for our first show on April 30th.

For now I am leaving, but I will promise to write more if you promise to read more. Deal? Deal.

...why am I not satisfied with that response?...

-Art

Something Big

2005-03-17T11:42:00.000-05:00

Im looking for something profound to write. All to often I sit down to write and expect to be the next great writer. The Saint Augustine of today. I think part of that comes from my desire to be remembered. I want to have an effect on the world. In fact, I want to change the world.

I have felt for a long time now that God has something big planned for me. I can't figure out how it is to play out though. Once, I remember very distinctly God was trying to tell me something. I wanted more of Him, I wanted the kind of relationship with Him that the heros of Christendom had. I wanted what everyone else had with God. Then He stopped me short and told me something. He said He wanted a relationship with me that was special. I wanted what everyone else had, He wanted what no one else had. A relationship unique to me.

Have I attained that yet?, I don't know, I don't think so. It is hard to reach a point when you don't know what it is you are reaching. I still believe I have yet to get there. Maybe when I get to where I am going with God I will have done something big, maybe I will have changed the world. Or maybe I already am and I can't see it. Maybe I spend to much time trying to figure out God, at least it keeps me busy.

-Art

The Valley of Apathy

2005-03-08T09:42:00.000-05:00

2 days ago I was walking along the top of a mountain, or rather near the top, expecting I was going to soon see the world in its beauty. From high above I anticipated seeing what God see's, the good in light of the bad. I was feeling pretty good, but I wasn't paying attention. For it is then that I began my decent into the valley of apathy. With every step I took I slid back without even recognizing that I was getting further away from where I needed to be.

Apathy is dangerous, I can feeling closing in all the time, and it takes all my effort to resist. I so desire to give in, to sit down and rest in nothing. But I am running, or as close to it as I can get. It is like running in the mud, a veritable struggle to lift each leg from the suction of the muck. In times like these I feel so far from God, though perhaps I am at my closest with Him, for I know that it is only through His provision that I have the strength to go on.

I am writing this no to concern everyone that reads this, nor do I desire to pull you in with me, because in the valley of apathy there can be many or there can be one, and it wouldn't matter cause you don't care. Rather I write to keep my head and my focus. In writing I remember and recognize those things that keep me from slowing. It is my friends, those that I love that beckon me on. It is the ones you never expected to listen that not only listen but listen with care that give me a boost and allow me to break the face of apathy with a smile. And its the ones that listened all the time, even when you had nothing to say, that help me to remain constant. And it is those that I may not see but I know keep me in memory and prayer that allow me to rest without falling prey to the valleys wiles.

Im not out yet, but I am hopeful that the end is near. Thank you all.

-Art

My little secret...

2005-03-01T23:22:00.000-05:00

I love writing. I always have. I can remember writing or drawing everytime I had a writing implement and paper. I even used to journal, but I could never seem to stick with that one. Inevitably my writing was all transformed to some form of poetry or lyric. Journaling never lasted for me for one specific reason. I couldn't and still can't grasp the idea of writing something that no one is going to look at.

I believe that when you write something it is because you desire to tell someone something. That at some point, at some time, either down the road or just across the street, you want what you have written to be read. Often times there is abit of fear in us to disclose our inmost secrets to a person formally and in person, so we write them down. Yet, just because we write them down doesn't mean we don't want them to be read. It is only a question of time. If you wanted your secrets to remain a secret you wouldn't have written them down in the first place. The best kept secrets between 3 men are when 2 of them are dead. I believe that was Ben Franklin, though I could be wrong.

As for me, my time is now, my thoughts and secrets are here, and my fear extends only as far as my signature.

-Art

The "Art" of Love...

2005-02-28T12:14:00.000-05:00

The things I don't know. Last night turned out to be quite a lesson for me as I tried to reconcile my mind and my heart. From time to time (though thankfully the time between the times is long) I find myself wondering if I love my girlfriend the way I should love her. There is never any question of the fact that I do love her, but I wonder if there is enough substance and foundation to our relationship in its present state to survive a relationship beyond dating. I told Lola (not her real name, and no she isn't a showgirl) about everything I was feeling, it was a good conversation. I just don't know if I am any further along now then i was before. I have spent a long time trying to learn about what love is. I took a whole semester to lead a Bible Study about love, I write about it, and think about it, and I feel like I know no more now then I did when I started. I have come to wonder if it is something one can ever understand.

A child has no problem grasping this concept. They have no acquired knowledge of love, they just do it. They love without question, and they do it better than most adults. Have I been so corrupted?

To steal an idea from Paul, I can have all the knowledge in the world, acquire every degree available, speak every language (including those of angels), write novels and symphonies, all this and more, but if I have not love it is nothing. I think I finally understand what he was trying to say.

It has taken me 22 years to learn something I probably innately knew from the start if I would have only listened. Perhaps I am lucky to have discoved it at such a young age, I know there are many who are still working on that concept. Yet I still feel like I am no closer with this understanding now then I was before. You see, the same problem still lies before me. I may know what Paul was trying to tell me, but actually having love the way a child has love, that is the ultimate challenge. May God help us all.

-Art

P.S. - This blog is more than just a forum for my musing, my waxing philosphical. I want to learn here as much as teach, please feel free to comment to anything I say, I welcome it.

Dreaming of dreaming...

2005-02-24T09:37:00.000-05:00

I have no idea what to write about. I started writing about dreams, but after about a paragraph and a half I backspaced half of it and then selected and deleted the rest (and I only did that when I realized hitting backspace was taking so long). I think I was just trying to be too profound. I love my dreams most of the time, and I really think God is trying to speak something to me through some of those dreams. Only problem is, Im not some kind of jungian analyst. Dreams escape me in my sleep and they escape me in real life. Maybe I ought not worry about it and just enjoy them for what they are. If God wants to speak to me, may I understand the words He is using.

Oh man, now I am tired, see what I get for thinking to early in the morning. Thats the end of that.

-Art

Hey! Look at me...

2005-02-22T11:50:00.000-05:00

Hey! Hey! Hey!
That is what the little boy outside the store keeps yelling. Over and over he repeats that word. He says it forcefully and with passion. Everytime someone walks by. Hey!
I miss the days when I could sit there and yell for the sake of hearing my voice. Then it was cute, or atleast expected of a kid of such a young age, now if I were to sit out there and yell Hey! over and over again they would probably remove me from the mall. It is funny how those things happen. The changes age brings.

Live it up kid, enjoy your cuteness and everthing it brings. Being sexy just doesn't have the same benifits. HA HA HA.

If you think about it, I guess that age of cuteness that brings with it soo many social graces doesn't truely end, it just gets post-poned. There is another age that allows you to act without inhibitions, here's to being a dirty old man. HEY!

-Art

Create a change.

2005-02-21T14:34:00.000-05:00

This whole creating things just doesn't seem to be working for me. It is a good thing I am not God or we would not have a day three at all, say goodbye to tuesday. I don't know what happened, I guess I just got too busy yesterday, but it was a good time all in all.

I don't know that I have alot to say about yesterday. I will say this however, my roomates girlfriend Kristen had a brilliant idea. All night prayer and worship! Is that not a great idea or what?! You know what is funny, if you had brought that idea to me as little as 5 years ago I don't know if I would have been so excited, I think I probably would have found it a very boring way to spend an entire night. That just goes to show you how much closer I am to God now then when I was first entering into college. If it wasn't for the people I met at IV, I wouldn't be the person I am now. As I got to know these people, I was encouraged by them to seek first God and his kingdom. I made it my desire to do that. Funny thing is, as I started to make this my desire I discovered it wasn't really my desire to begin with, God was forming me. He was and is working in my heart, cleaning and rebuilding areas all the time.

Best part yet. I am scheming again. I can't disclose too much information right away, but just know that it is going to be a pleasant suprise so long as God desires it.

Alright, that is a good start for today. Keep reading and I will keep posting.

-Art

The second day...

2005-02-19T10:12:00.000-05:00

On the second day God seperated the expanses and created sky... And me? I woke up with a twitchy eyelid. It has been along time since the last time my eyelid twiched, it is the most bizzare feeling in the world. It is like someone had attached a fishing line to my eyelid and would give it a few gentle tugs every few moments. Just enough for me remember I didn't have total control.

So far nothing particularly exciting has happened, but I suppose that is the problem with writing at the beginning of the day, not enough time has passed for major excitement. At least not today, but for that I am thankful, no sense in waking up and discovering half the world has floated off into space after being severed and set into motion by a gang of teenage extra terestrials who had too much to drink. Not that I really think that would ever happen. Im not sure what I think of the existence of aliens, doesn't much concern me at the moment though.

On the other hand, I do believe in the existence of other worlds, but not far off in space, rather right here among us. Not to try and scare anyone, but there is a spiritual battle going on and we go on completely unaware that we are the very ones whos fate rests on the outcome of the battle. It is the long time battle between good and evil, heaven and hell, God and Satan. God will win, do not doubt that, but make sure you know where you stand and which side you take, it is important, it is eternity. Why do I bring this up? I saw Constantine last night, it was a great movie. It strengthend in my mind the reality of the war, granted it was alot of visual effects and hollywood heroics that did it, but keep in mind, the things on this earth are only a reflection of either the glory of God or the evil of Satan.

-Art

In the beginning...

2005-02-18T14:42:00.000-05:00

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth and I created a weblog. Alright, so it isn't nearly has amazing as what God did, but it is a start... Then again maybe it is the middle. Technically I have been around for about 22 years and some odd months, I just haven't gone by the name Aritmus Jones. That is a made up name. I created it about 2 years ago and then forgot about it until recently, now it/he/I am back. My real name is Shaun, and you are more than welcome to refer to me as such, infact, I like my name alot and no one calls me Artimus Jones as it is. So why create a name like Artimus Jones for a blog? pseudonym perhaps? I don't really know. Why not?!

Anyway, I kind of don't believe that I am actually doing this to begin with. I have enjoyed reading other people blogs, but never really imagined myself writing one. I think I just need something to keep me busy here at work. It is kind of slow this time of year, so I haven't much to do. Maybe I will use this space to post my new work (im in a band and kind of fancy myself as a writer). Or maybe I will use this as a form of decompression. Or maybe I will just ramble. Those who know me know that is what I do best. I like to talk, just usually I can see or atleast envision someone on the recieving end; even if they aren't actually being receptive at the time.
Who knows what this will become. I guess you will just have to stay tuned and find out. Hows that for a hook?! Can't beat a classic bit of "stay tuned" or "until next time" television lingo. So with that:

This is Artimus Jones signing off. Stay tuned for more exciting adventures!!!

-Art